Lessons learned from practice, part 1

In taking more careful notice of individual moments throughout the day, it becomes a lot easier to notice how I’m feeling. As a result, when I’m feeling stressed, angry, depressed, or overwhelmed by chaos, it’s easier to remember that with a breath, it can end. And though it usually doesn’t with a single breath, knowing and noting that it’s a passing feeling has been greatly comforting.

Similarly, during those rare moments of calm or contentedness, it’s easier to appreciate the feeling when it’s explicitly noted. The realization that the moment will also end and that chaos and stress will eventually return was a bit jarring and uncomfortable at first, but now it’s actually kind of comforting in its own way. Each moment is its own and should be accepted as such. Whether it’s good or bad, it’s passing, so take from it what you can.

On Satori

“Satori” noted,
the mind, like quicksilver goes,
falsely “enlightened,”
down those old wrong-headed roads,
each more wrong than one before.

- Muso Soseki

(via Daily Zen)

Profit and Fame

“Lifetimes seldom fill a hundred years
why suffer for profit and fame”

- Shih-Wu (1272-1352)

Big Sitting

It’s been about 1 1/4 years since I started my zen practice in earnest.  The first half of last year, I was very consistent with my zazen.  But, the second half of the year, I started getting a lot more lackadaisical.  By the end of the year, I was occasionally missing two or three days a week.  That’s just silly.

And that’s why I decided to take part in this year’s “Big Sit” sponsored by Tricycle.  I’ve become a fan of Tricycle over the other Buddhist print magazines thanks to some really good issues in the last year.  This 90-day practice session struck me because a.) it’s following zen practice (the last session was a 30-day Vipassana session), b.) it encouraged at least 20 minutes of daily zazen, c.) over the course of the 90 days, participants read the Genjokoan and podcasts with well-respected western zen teachers discuss it, and d.) there’s an online community built specifically for the event.  It started a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been steady with my practice, increasing from 15 minutes at night to 20.  I did miss two days, but that was a conscious decision.  I’m behind on my podcasts and participation in the community, but I have been reading the Genjokoan and a few different interpretations that I’ve dug up.

So, anyway, that’s going well.

In the “Big Sit” issue of Tricycle (Spring 2009), there’s an article by Shozan Jack Haubner titled “Son of a Gun” where he discusses his life as the son of a man who creates the guns that are used in Iraq.  It’s a wonderful article and this paragraph in particular stuck (emphasis mine):

In the Buddhist view, I depend on you for my existence.  All things depend on each other, equally.  Welcome to the doctrine of dependent origination.  It’s teeter-totter metaphysics—I arise, you arise; you arise, I arise.  Forget about our presumed Maker, the diving machinist in the sky.  You are you because you are not something else; therefore, what you are not—the chair beneath you, the air in your lungs, these words—births you through an infinity of opposites.  It’s like the ultimate Dr. Seuss riddle: Without all the things that are not you, who would you be you to?  There’s no Higher Power in this system to grab onto for support; we are all already supporting each other.  Pull a person or people the wrong way, and you immediately redefine yourself in light of what you’ve done to your neighbor.

It’s becoming more and more clear to me how this idea of “self” that we learn isn’t really quite right.  We’re inextricably tied to everything and everyone else here and our actions and attitudes spread throughout the web.

Giving up one’s posture

Last night, I was sitting and my 2-year-old daughter, who’s been uncharacteristically under the weather for the last couple of days, walked into the room after having used the bathroom. She walked up to me and gave me a giant hug, then sat in my lap to snuggle. A few minutes later, she got up for a second to get her favorite stuffed animal and bring it back to sit with us.

I was more than happy to give up my straight spine for a few minutes with my daughter.

Day 189

Re-upped the domain for another year.

In other news, my practice has been going strong for a little over a half-year now. Since January 1st, I’ve missed only three days. One because I plum forgot, one because it was 2am, I’d just driven 4 hours, and the next day I’d be sitting for 90 minutes, and one because I was knocked out with the stomach flu. Not a bad run for the first 188 days.

Yesterday, a neighbor tried to recruit me to come to her newly Lutheran church. I smiled politely, but was thinking about how uncomfortable I still get when people try to bring up religion in conversation.

My visit to Pine Wind

I’ve been sitting regularly for the last six months and decided it was time to try a slightly more intensive session with a group of people.  It’s difficult where I live, because the closest group of zen practitioners that I can find is over an hour away (odd considering how populated my area is).  But, when visiting my parents in the town I grew up in, I decided to stop by the Pine Wind Zen Society for a 90-minute zazen session.  Considering I’m only sitting 15-20 minutes once a day, I was worried this was going to feel like a marathon!

The time was split up into three 25 minute sessions with 5 minutes of kinhin in between.  I was surprised by a few things.  First, it was easier than I expected.  At home when I sit, I find myself battling fidgetiness a lot, which I think comes from the fact I’m at home and have these nagging thoughts about other things I should be doing ("I should be doing the dishes" or "I should get to bed").  When you actually drive somewhere and your only intention is to just sit, it’s a lot easier to… just sit.  The other surprise I had was at the level of calm I felt afterwards.  While I was there, I felt relatively focused and relaxed, but when I left, it became really clear to me exactly how much tension and stress I’ve been carrying with me.  I hadn’t felt this calm in years.  It was pretty amazing really.  (Sadly, the next day I was pretty much back to normal.  But hey, realizing this is part of the process, right?)

Pine Wind’s a neat place.  If you didn’t know it was there, you’d pass right by while driving through the residential neighborhood that a few friends of mine from elementary school had grown up in.  They don’t follow any specific zen lineage:

Practicing the "Dharma Beyond Buddhism", at no time does The Zen Society exist to promote any peculiar religious doctrine, dogma, or teachings, and shares no formal affiliation with other Zen groups, denominations, or any hierarchy of Dharma Successors.

While most of the ten people there sat facing the center of the room, one woman faced the wall for two of the three sessions in a more traditional Soto style.  I decided to face the center of the room even though it’s not how I usually sit.  It didn’t bother me in the least.  While I didn’t really talk with anyone other than Ninshin, who was the one I spoke with over e-mail before attending, everyone was seemed very friendly.  I didn’t feel that awkwardness I remember feeling when visiting friends’ churches (or—ack—youth groups) as a kid.

I look forward to stopping in again sometime and while I still consider my practice a very personal thing, the experience definitely makes me want to hunt down a group closer to me that I can practice with periodically.

4000 Miles

Gift of Gab from “4000 Miles” (Blackalicious featuring Jurassic 5 and Latyrx):

The final destination used to be my main question
But then I looked and all that I was searchin for was present

Joined in sitting

Last night, I was a few minutes into my zazen when my 19-month-old daughter walked up to me. She doesn’t usually see me when I’m meditating (I usually save it for when she’s asleep), but she didn’t find it particularly strange that I was sitting and staring at a wall. She looked at me for a moment and then sat down in my lap.

She got up after a few seconds, grabbed one of her toy cars and tried handing it to me. When I didn’t immediately take it from her, she leaned down and placed it in my hands. Apparently my mudra was sufficient for toy car storage.

Best zazen session ever.

Tea

Sometimes my teapot’s spout gets clogged with leaves, causing the tea to pour out slowly. Without fail, I find myself tipping it further in an attempt to increase the speed, but instead, tea just starts seeping out of the top, spilling onto my desk. I try to take that as a reminder to slow down… like, “Dude, slow down. 15 seconds longer for your tea ain’t gonna’ kill you.”